Back to Blog. In the Sh*te Garden.

Hello again!

I admit, I have been terrible with this blog. Extremely busy with work  in real life, yet also too lazy in updating this. Mostly lazy. But last night something made me so angry I just needed to vent it.

I was bored, there was nothing good on the telly so I thought I’d see what the wonders of BBC iPlayer would entertain me with. I randomly selected the highly popular Cbeebies show “In the Night Garden…”

NEVER AGAIN.

Seriously, the biggest waste of 30 minutes in my life. Can I write to the BBC and ask for a small portion of my licence fee back?
The show begins with a baby falling asleep and then we see the blue protagonist (supposedly representing a baby entering its dreams), Iggle Piggle. Armed with his red blanket, he rides a boat to the Night Garden.

This particular episode focussed on three little characters called Tombliboos, based on the shape of a pepper pot. The narrator, Sir Derek Jacobi, greets the Tombliboos and tells them to brush their teeth. They re-enter their home, a bush.
The Tombliboos proceed to brush their teeth for about 5 minutes. They don’t even have any (visible) teeth!

Everyone who has had a good upbringing knows you only need to brush your teeth for three minutes. This was just wasting time.

So, the Tombliboos teeth are clean. Maybe they can play now?

No, they have to show everyone how clean their teeth are!

We first meet Upsy Daisy, a cheerful looking dolly.

“Hello Upsy Daisy!” “Look at those clean Tumbliboo teeth!”

Iggle Piggle then arrives.
“Hello Iggle Piggle!” “Look at those clean Tumbliboo teeth!”

The Tumbliboos then leave and bump into Makka Pakka, a small creature who likes to collect and wash stones, and pushes a little trolley around with his sponge and soap. Why he does this, I do not know.

Can you guess what happens next?

“Hello Makka Pakka!” “Look at those clean Tumbliboo teeth!”

Makka Pakka then proceeds to clean the faces of the Tombliboos.

“Look at those clean Tombliboo faces!”

It is then time for bed. The Tombliboos ask for a bedtime story.
Mr Narrator has no better story to tell them other than the one about when the Tombliboos spent all day brushing their teeth and showing everyone in the Night Garden how clean they were.

How thrilling.

It is then the end of the episode, and everyone falls asleep. The Tombliboos, Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka, Pinky Ponk and Ninky Nonk, the Wottingers, Pontipers, Haahoos and Tittifers. Everyone is asleep apart from Iggle Piggle.

“Iggle Piggle’s not in bed!”
“Squeak!”
“Don’t worry, Iggle Piggle, it’s time to go.”

Iggle Piggle then collapses on the floor and leaves the Night Garden in his little boat. I think this is when the child watching is meant to fall asleep too.

The credits then roll and I shudder in horror and disgust at what I have just watched.

And somehow, this won the Children’s BAFTA for “Pre-School Live Action” in 2007 and 2008.

You may say it’s just nostalgia, but I am sure that children’s television wasn’t this mundane when I was a toddler. How was that meant to be able to keep the attention of a hyperactive little brat for half an hour? The official website of the show calls it relaxing, I call it mind-numbing and pointless. The BBC says it is targeted towards children between the ages of one and four. Maybe i’m cynical/out of touch with the youth of today but I can’t see any value of it for any child older than six months old.

Compare it to quality children’s programming from my childhood like Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, Rosie and Jim; and the more educational shows such as Sesame Street and Playdays. It has nothing apart from maybe some amusingly designed characters with funny names which will bring a giggle to whoever watches it.

Even Teletubbies had more entertainment value than this waste of time.

This week an episode of Sesame Street was banned due to guest star Katy Perry showing too much cleavage. Take a look yourself below. It is clear that she has a skin coloured cover over her chest. It’s amazing the power that conservative/bible belt Americans have.

And anyway, what’s the problem with children seeing a bit of cleavage on telly? They see it every day anyway.

I really fear for the toddlers of today.

If things go like they seem to be, they will never learn the alphabet, how to count to ten, or the colours of the rainbow. All they’ll know is how to brush their teeth until their gums bleed.

END.

~ by paulmuchmore on September 30, 2010.